The Scully Residence
1014 Shady Hill Drive,
Salem, VA 23232
Sunday, 14:32:26 P.M. EST

Mulder, look.

What is it, Scully?

It's a teddy bear, Mulder.  Calvin gave it to me for my birthday.

Calvin...

Yes, Calvin.  From across the street.

Hmmm...

What, what's wrong Mulder?

Scully, are you certain this isn't more than just a bear.

I don't understand what you're saying.

Calvin, he has a stuffed tiger doesn't he?

I think so...you mean Hobbes?

Yes, Hobbes. 

Sure, Calvin has a tiger named Hobbes.  Why?

Scully, have you ever heard of transmogrification?

Transmogri-what?

Transmogrification.  It's a black art, rumored to have been widely practiced in the 14th Century.  According to legend the art of transmogrification allowed individuals to transform themselves from one type of object to another, almost at will.  Human to animal, inanimate to animate, just think of it.

Mulder, you're talking about a complete restructuring of one's chemical composition.  Even if it were possible, what does that have to do with Calvin?

(Mulder is silent)

Mulder?

Scully...I've seen Hobbes talk.

(Scully is silent)

Scully, say something.

That's not possible, Mulder.  Hobbes is little more than a cotton and polyester doll stuffed with low-grade biodegradable foam.  What you're implying is that Hobbes is alive...if this were true, it would destroy every notion we have of life as we know it.  It's impossible, Mulder.

Scully, I know what I saw.

I don't believe you, Mulder.

Listen, I saw Hobbes talk.  And Scully...Hobbes saw me...he knows I know his secret.

When did this happen?

Yesterday.  I was walking down the street and I saw Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree in Calvin's front yard.  They were talking to each other, Scully.

Okay, Mulder.  What do you propose we do about this?

Give me the bear.

What?

The teddy bear.  Please.

(Scully hands Mulder the bear)  What are you going to do?

When Hobbes looked at me yesterday, I felt something, Scully.  It was evil, and I knew then that Hobbes would not rest until his secret was safe once again.  I can only assume that Calvin is also involved in all this, but until I know for sure I'm not taking any chances.  (Pulling a swiss army knife out of his pocket, Mulder violently stabs the teddy bear in the chest.)

Mulder, no!!

(The bear does not react to Mulder's initial stab, so Mulder stabs it once again, this time in the head. Scully is distressed.)

Mulder, please!!  It's just a teddy bear!!

I'm sorry, Scully, but I must know the truth.  

(Mulder quickly pulls the knife out of the bear's head and then stabs it in the right leg.)

Mulder, STOP IT!!!  (Scully grabs the bear from Mulder...begins sobbing.)  You know what, Mulder?  You're sick!!  (sniff)  You're twisted!!  I've known you for three years now, and for three years I've been putting up with your STUPID theories on those STUPID aliens, and you know what?  I'M SICK OF IT!!!  (sob)  You know what your problem is, Mulder?  You're jealous.  You like me and you're jealous because Calvin gave me a birthday present and you don't even have the social skill to acknowledge that I had a birthday!

Scully--

No, I'm not done you freak lovin' creep!  What makes you think you can just come in here and start stabbing my bear, anyway?  This is MY bear--not YOUR bear, not OUR bear, it's MY bear.  If someone ever gives YOU a bear someday then you go ahead and stab it all you want, but until then--

Scully!!

What!?!?!

The bear...look.  Did the bear always have a tiger's tail?

(Scully looks at the bear in her hand and for the first time notices its fuzzy orange and black striped tail.)

What the...

Stand back, Scully.

(Mulder takes the bear from Scully, grabs his knife once again, and begins to stab the bear repeatedly.)

MULDER, WAIT!!!!

(Mulder freezes.)

(wiping the tears from her eyes)  Look, (sniffle) if you just keep stabbing it like that we'll never learn anything.  (She takes the knife from Mulder.)  From now on, how about I do all the cutting, okay?

(slight trace of a smile) Okay, Scully...

...okay...

...and Scully?

Yes...(half listening as she cuts into the bear's chest)

Happy birthday.

Thanks, Mulder.  Hey, look inside this bear's chest cavity.  I've never seen this kind of foam used on a stuffed animal before...

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